One Sentence Summary: It’s the most dramatic season finale ever (so say Chris Harrison) when Ben picks his bride.
Rachel: I’m sorry this is late but I’ve been working on Australian hours from the West Coast this week so I wasn’t able to watch the finale with the rest of the country. Ok, while that’s true, I was actually sipping on a most delicious blueberry bourbon cocktail instead of watching. I can’t lie to you guys. And speaking of honest confessions… As much as I make fun of this show and am 99% sure about how this ends, I still avoided any & all finale-spoiling media for a full 24 hours until I could watch because I wanted to be surprsed. No Facebook. No Twitter. No (insert name of entertainment gossip site). That’s right, I really wanted my non-surprise ending to be a surprise. I really don’t think there’s any doubt where Ben’s free diamond ring is going. The only one that isn’t clear on that is poor Lindzi. But there is that 1% of hopeful doubt in me that thinks maybe he’ll pull his head out of his ass by the time he is standing on the top of a Swiss Alp… Well, maybe it’s not an Alp. I have no idea but let’s just go with that. OK, let’s start this 3-hour joy ride.
Melissa: It’s the final rose and I’m so excited I could… well, just sit here with my Honey Jack. Yeah, I’m hitting the Honey Jack and hitting it HARD – there isn’t enough wine in my cellar to get me through 2 hours of Ben’s deep thoughts during the Final Rose and an additional hour of After the Rose. It’s going to be a rough ride kiddies, hang on tight!
Rachel’s What Happened: And we’re back spending the first 10 minutes of the show with deep thoughts by Ben. He seems overly fascinated by the Matterhorn – Monumental mountain, monumental moment. Who writes this stuff? Personally, I think whoever wrote it is at home giggling about all the phallus comments running through everyone’s head every time he refers to the giant summit. Or maybe it’s just me & my 14-year-old boy sense of humor. Ben is starting to panic about his pending final rose and thinks he may need more time? Really? Six weeks of dating-ish isn’t enough to build a marriage on? How can that be? I mean look at all the other Bachelor relationships… Oh, right. Part of what’s freaking him out is that he keeps getting warned about Courtney… Yeah, and you keep not listening. Wonder how that’s gonna play out.
Thankfully Ben doesn’t have to make this decision alone. He has his family, whom he loves unconditionally. Aw, that’s nice. Who else thinks the sister looks like the half-Kardashian, Khloe? They ask Ben, “What do these women love about you?” Excellent question. I’ve been wondering that myself all season. Ben confesses that the other women have had issues with Courtney and his sister says that’s a red flag for her. Ya think? You know what else is a red flag? Not eating the cheese sitting on the table in front of you.
Melissa: Yes, Ben’s search for love will be found here in Switzerland! What’s with all the David Gray background this season? I got nothing against him, just curious is all. I can’t wait for Mom and Sis to meet the ladies – considering what a flop his hometown with Ashley was.
Rachel Sidebar: I asked the same question about David Gray, though I also love him. That’s a lot of missed Jeffery Osbourne opportunities. Just think about that…
Up First, Lindzi
Rachel’s What Happened: Lindzi’s up first, of course, since Courtney seems to only be able to go last on every episode. I’m surprised he didn’t make her rappel down the side of the chalet to get there. Lindzi’s got a case of the nerves when she first gets to the house and manages to land most of her lunch in her lap. She says she gets a little stressed out when she has to eat proper… Um, know your audience, dear. You’re at the table with Miss Manners. Well, this is an awkward start. Lindzi’s asked what’s the magic ingredient in her relationship with Ben. She says something about love or friendship or trust. I don’t remember and it doesn’t matter because the real magic ingredient… That would be her daddy. Lindzi says she would be honored if Ben chose her. That sentence alone tells you how ridiculous this whole process is. You have a choice too, Lindzi. Jules wants to hear about Courtney & asks Lindzi her opinion. Lindzi says she’s very different… C’mon, take the bitch down! This is your moment! She doesn’t and I’m very disappointed in her niceness.
The family consensus on Lindzi is all positive. Jules feels relaxed and that’s important. Yes, that is the deciding issue. She gives Lindzi the thumbs up. Mom is about as exuberant as I think she can be. Damn, this clique is tight. Tiiiight.
Melissa: Lindzi is up first to meet the fam, and I hope they really do like her (conversely I really hope they can’t stand Courtney). I’m also LOVING those boots!! Mamma gets to grill Lindzi first and I can see the chemistry there and Mom seems taken. This seems so much better than Ashley. Julia gets the second turn at torture, but Lindzi’s personality wins them over with the girlie grin and giggle. Oh, nice move sis with getting the dirt on Courtney, hopefully you’ll smack your brother upside the head with those details.
Up Next, Courtney “The Model”
Rachel’s What Happened: Wait, what is he wearing? Does it comes with a matching handbag? That’s something you find in an old lady’s closet. Anyway, it’s time for the Flajnik women to meet Courtney. Jules is on the defense already having heard about the unfriendly model. Ben doesn’t want mom & sister to pre-judge though. Too late.
Courtney shows up , but before she meets the family, she makes Ben tell her that he likes her. This girl is good. After the initial niceties are out of the way, Immediately, Courtney starts defending herself. She says the girls were “judgy” of her, they saw her as real competition and none of the girls made good first impressions. She tried… Basically, she’s playing the innocent victim card before anyone dealt a hand. Interesting way to start that conversation, Court. Since Pandora’s box is open, Jules asks her directly what the problem was. She says tried from Day 1 to make an effort, but the girls just never accepted her. I’m surprised she didn’t burst into flames on that one. She says it’s because she was in love with her brother that she stuck it out. Oh I want to jump through the TV and throttle her. Jules says she’ll never know what really happened, so she’ll have to take Courtney’s word for it. Um, but you will. It’s called TV. Everything will be shown there. It’s too late though, sister fell for the Courtney fog. Sigh…
Melissa: Julia has her red flags ready to go… Wave them like a color guard until he gets the picture!! He’s still under the impression Courtney isn’t the woman he hears about from the others… Damn fool! I’m thinking tough Courtney is going to put her best acting chops to work with these two. I do wish they wouldn’t just lob her answers and stories for her to explain why people don’t like her. Oh girl… You’re really going with the “I tried so hard to make friends” with Julia? She’ll watch the show and know you’re a complete liar, and a bit of a slutty-slut with your skinny dipping romp.
And The Consensus Is…
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for the family to give their report on the two women. Lindzi is lovely and secure in her career & hobbies. Hobbies? She knows she has work to do. Lindzi is a slow burn though and takes her time opening up. Courtney, on the other hand, is a model which caused mom & sis to have some stereotypes in their head. However, she disproved every one of them. Uh, are you watching the same show I’m watching? She has lived up to every single one. Jules thinks Courtney has depth. Yes, but even the shallow end of the pool has depth. Just not a lot of it. They think Courtney is more of what he wants than Lindzi. Well, maybe they think he’s an idiot too.
Melissa: They’re bought in for both Lindzi and Courtney. I sit here and shake my head at the the family unit. Of course, I can also be completely Judge Judy because I get to see all the behind the scenes bitchiness.
The Final Dates
Rachel’s What Happened: It’s a horse & carriage ride for Ben & Lindzi in charming Switzerland. After the ride, they’re going skiing. You know they should have to have one real date where he has to cook her dinner in a crappy one-bedroom apartment with no matching silverware. Lindzi says she would question the sincerity of her feelings if she weren’t skeptical of them. Well played. Do you not see that she’s the only real person you’ve got left, Ben?
Ok this is the most awkward skiing I’ve ever seen. Sorry nothing sexy about that. The word vulnerable is big tonight – everyone’s feeling it. Bravo’s Andy Cohen would have a field day using that as his “everyone drink” word of the day. Ben says thank you for helping me get through this. Um, it’s not her job to get you through. She getting through this too. But this just sends Lindzi into an uncontrollable vomiting of her feelings – No one has come along that is worth her loving them. It’s rare to be 200% vulnerable, but she feels that with Ben. She wants to make him happy. And she talks and talks and talks and well she talks. His response: Thank you for opening up. Way to go deep Ben. Starting to think you & Courtney belong together. This girl is way to good for you.
Melissa: Ben arrives, naturally, by horse… Two actually, pulling the date carriage for a tour of Zermatt before their ski trip. That gondola rocks!! I would totally take up skiing if I could drink on the way up… Until it stops halfway up the mountain. Now, here’s about where I’d up-chuck, go fetal and cry like a baby until it was over. I like their down-time for the rest of the evening. I only hope Lindzi can get his mind off of Courtney. Ben would like to tell her he loves her, but it’s not fair to her… Which leads me to believe he’s leaning toward Courtney.
Rachel’s What Happened: She can’t help herself. She just can’t. She insults Lindzi 13 seconds into her date, but as with everything else it goes right over his head. They take a helicopter ride and it is the coolest thing Ben’s ever done. You mean as opposed to the 17 other helicopter rides you’ve taken in the last month? And if he makes one more “taking it to new heights” comment during one of those helicopter rides, I’m gonna puke. He pours on the you’re so wonderful compliments to Courtney. She says it hasn’t been easy for her but he’s worth it. Oh stop with the poor me nonsense already! Shoot me. Shoot me dead. I can’t take another minute of baby talking snow angels. How many people out there were hoping their sled had gone careening into the icy pond?
Back at her room she gives Ben a present – something that she wants to leave him with… I hope it doesn’t require antibiotics. She made an album of the history of their love. It’s 2 pages. Somewhere out there Blakeley is hysterically burning the one she made for Ben while repeatedly stabbing a voodoo doll that looks an awful lot like him… and Alfred E Newman. But Courtney’s already spent way too much time on him so now it’s time for her to turn the tables and make him tell her how much he’s into her. Usually the victim game works for her & she gets an earful of how wonderful she is. But this time it backfires on her & we’re all hoping it will knock some sense into him. Though we all know the truth…
Melissa: On the wings of love… They take off on their helicopter for their date over the Matterhorn. Oh my, I completely just glazed over half of their conversation. Eh, it’s OK, we all know he’s picking Courtney so it really doesn’t matter now does it? Back on track, now they’re sledding… Is it too much to hope they hit a rock? I mean, nothing serious, just a bloody nose maybe? WOW, Courtney is going for the down-time too… I’m shocked! What did she make him… A scrap book about herself? OK, about them with a love letter – how sweet (eye roll, at least she left out the Marley lyrics). Here comes the neediness. Really, what guy likes that? I think I liked her “winning” better than the fake tears.
To All The Girls I Loved Last Night
Rachel’s What Happened: It’s time to spend the next twenty minutes hearing everyone’s deepest and most intimate thoughts as they embark on the most important day in their lives… All of course while standing on balconies pondering the future. How on earth do they keep a straight face? Oh right, they all think this is real. Ben says Courtney is exciting and adventurous. Her spirit and her energy makes her 10x’s more attractive. Really? I thought her bad attitude and nasty jabs make her an ugly cow. Ben thinks life with Lindzi would be incredible. She’s warm & funny and always has a smile on her face. But you know he wants to add in, “But Courtney showed me her boobs a lot.”
Thankfully, he makes up his mind just in time to meet with Neil Lane and pick out his second free ring. He tells Ben that this is a big day for him. First, thanks for the news flash. That’s about as insightful as Chris Harrison telling us it’s the final rose when there’s only one rose left, as if counting to one was beyond our abilities. Second, didn’t he tell Ben the last time he picked out a ring it was a big day? Ben says it feels different this time. Yeah, because this time you’re not getting dumped.
Melissa: There’s a future with both ladies – Yeah, that’s what we want to hear. How awesome would it be if the ladies were in rooms right next to each other and both had their coffee on their balconies at the same time? Oh, I really should produce some of these shows and make sure such things happened. I guarantee more people would watch! Hello Mr. Neil Lane!! Show us your diamond wares, please no repeats from the last time.
Rachel: Sweet fancy Moses on buttered toast what’s with the cloaks? I disagree with them both but the green velvet is especially tragic. Oh Lindzi, please don’t go and get dumped in a green velvet Snow White cloak. That’s twice the humiliation.
Melissa: Gloves Courtney?? Gloves?? OY!
Rachel’s What Happened: Well there you have it. Lindzi’s first. She’s getting the boot and the viewing collective in America shakes their head in pity. Poor girl. The Dumpsville text is going to feel like a holiday after this. Please Ben, do her a favor. Just pull the band-aid off quickly. It’s so cruel that they make her go through this whole spiel. Ben gives her the ubiquitous false hope by telling her how much he loves her and then drops the evil “but”. Cruel. Rude and cruel. Slap him, Lindzi. SLAP HIM! BTW, the collective feeling in the room where I’m watching is that she deserves so much better than him. And no, I’m not watching alone with just my other personalities. There are actual people here. Wait, Lindzi’s mad at herself and tells Ben to call her if it doesn’t work out with Courtney??? What??? Girl, no. No no no. Sit down. Let me pour you drink & tell you a little story I like to call DO NOT BE SECOND BEST EVER. Girl, you have no idea the bullet you just dodged. She leaves and Ben’s unsure now. Yeah, well I’m sure you’re an idiot.
It’s here. That moment we all knew was coming yet still wouldn’t fully believe in. Blah blah blah… He’s bumbling and stumbling all over himself. He tells her that he promised himself he wouldn’t get down on one knee unless he knew it was forever and she is his forever – If by forever you mean until he watches the season at home & sees what a beatch she was. She’s laughing. She plays it like it joy. He thinks it’s love. We know it’s victory. So, yes Ben then gets on one knee & proposes to Courtney. She says yes and is blown away by Ben’s loving words… Oh wait, no, scratch that. It’s the ring that is blowing her away. She’s so caught up in the love of two people that she exclaims, “I’m a good person and good things happen to good people.” And that’s why you two losers are ending up together.
Melissa: Ever wonder if the guy would completely leave it up to chance, like “whomever shows up first gets the ring”? Come on producers, sign me up, the plot twists and turns I could give you!! However, we all know it’s not the first girl to arrive that gets the ring… poor Lindzi! Never fear woman, you’ll be the next Bachelorette. Just walk away with your head high and make him regret his choice, don’t blame yourself and just exit gracefully. He’ll see the light. Wait, did he just say he’s unsure how it will end? Um, you ask, Courtney will size up the ring and say yes. Then you’ll watch all the episodes and feel like a gi-hugic asshat and know the world is laughing at you. There, and I didn’t even need a Ouija board.
After the Rose
Rachel’s What Happened: We meet up with the kids 3 months later and all’s not blissful in Bachelor-land. Hey look, Ben got his hair did & got himself a blow out. Sorry, I digress. Anyway, it’s been a rough ride for Ben having seen the real Courtney on TV. Seems he broke up with her having to face the reality of who she was. It broke his heart. I say it’s more like it bruised his ego. Zero sympathy here. How were the other women not invited to this party? This is when they should do the Women Tell All Reunion. Imagine how hot that seat would be.
Ben says he’s still in love with Courtney even though he doesn’t love the woman he saw on TV. She took joy & delight in turning the screws, which he had a hard time watching. He says he did listen to the other women, but he liked that Courtney’s “weird.” You’re going to go with the word “weird”? Um, ok. I think there a few other adjectives much more suitable than weird. That’s actually an insult to weird people.
He wishes she would have been more gracious and realizes she made it harder on herself. It was the low of the situation for him. And contrary to the tabloids’ fodder, he has not been with another woman. The media attention has been really hard on them. Yeah, things are a lot different now that you’re not the sweet little guy that got his heart broken, eh? But ever the little manipulators, they still tried to fool the tabloids. When the tabloids said he was cheating, she went and tried on wedding dresses to divert attention. Chris says they’re a weird couple. Yeah, again, I’m not sure “weird” is the right word.
Melissa: OK, I’m not going to say I told you so… I’ll do a little Hammer Time instead. I really am happy he didn’t pick Lindzi because now she has a chance to be the next Bachelorette… Well, after Emily. Yes, we know how the Bachelor folks love to regurgitate their contestants. Anywho, Ben shares that they broke up while the negative energy of the show was going on. Yeah, it’s always a good sign when you break up… You crazy kids will make it work.
Rachel: Now it’s Courtney’s turn and I’m barely still conscious. She says the whole situation is heartbreaking. Everything is now spoiled. Chris wants to know how responsible she feels for the negative reaction America has had to her? She says she feels responsible. She’s got a little sass in her. Yeah, sass with one less “s” and a one more “hole”. She says they were happy together for about a month before the show started airing, but he “abandoned” her when he saw the show. He sent nothing on V-Day. She was trying to make it work but he wasn’t responding. He promised to stand by her, but bailed on her when things got rough. They’re together still… she thinks. She just wants to have a normal relationship.
Melissa: Sweetie, if you want people to be “behind you”, don’t behave like a mean little C – especially in front of the cameras. Simple enough. She thinks they’re a couple though, plus we learn she still hasn’t learned how to cry.
Rachel: Now we have to deal with them on stage together. This is seriously more torturous then water boarding. Just air this on a loop and see how fast people start talking. They both agree that they’re engaged and in a good place. Yeah, that’s definitely the vibe we’re all getting. She says this is especially hard because she’s a no drama person… and the audience laughs. We’re all laughing at that one. What horse shit. She doesn’t completely believe in him but she’s choosing to believe in him. They say this all went pear-shaped because you can’t talk about what’s going on over the phone. Really? How’s that? I actually thought that’s what phones were for. Guess I’m the idiot in this scenario. Ans as a parting gift of nonsense, Courtney leaves us with the wisdom that what really went down was that people had a hard time with her honesty. No honey, people had a hard time with you being a heinous bitch. Well, she gets her ring back and Ben-tney get a few more ticks on their 15 minutes.
Melissa: Oh, so they are engaged – yeah, I’ll go on record and set the over / under at 9 months… Any takers? He’s still falling for her game, man he’s a sucker! Are you kidding, we have to re-watch the proposal… It’s only been 37 minutes!! The feelings are still there for the both of them, but seriously, does anyone else see chemistry with these two? I’m struggling to find it, though maybe its’ the Honey glaze… Which is fine with me. Why does Chris have the ring? I don’t understand that. And… he liked is so he put a ring on it. I really can’t stomach this much longer!
Rachel: Um, why are Ashley & JP on? No one cares. Where the hell is Lindzi? I’m calling shenanigans. If she had enough sense to not show, just spare us all the pain and make this show a half an hour shorter.
Melissa: Does anyone care about Ashley and J.P.? Yawn, I’ve had enough friends…
Rachel: Well, that happened. Who wants to bet they don’t make it past Easter?
Melissa: Way to go Ben picking Courtney. Hopefully now Lindzi gets a normal guy and maybe a shot at Bachelorette.