One Sentence Summary: Boobgate is still raging and Heather hosts her first party as a Housewife.
Rachel: Welcome back to Catalina and Tamra’s totally outrageous response to Eddie & Vicki play flirting. Does she really actually think that Eddie is going to wake up one morning and decide he’s in love with Vicki? It’s Vicki. This is a level of insecurity beyond my comprehension and heaven knows I have my own issues with the subject. Good thing Eddie is there to talk to her like the child she is. Let’s back up slowly off the ledge.
Seems high-maintenance Heather can’t enjoy her meal with her husband because they handed her the menu open, which clearly is meant to rush her into ordering. She also isn’t impressed with their champagne by the glass and will most likely be sending her meal back. Seems it happens about 90% of the time. Oh these are my favorite people to eat dinner with… Everything is a cry for attention and all waitstaff are a chance to exert power over the little people in an effort to build one’s own ego. I can promise her that 90% of her returned meals come back to her with a little extra sumthin’ sumthin’ in the form of spit. But now that she’e ordered her “thin cut” of fish, she can get back to the business of belittling people with her husband. Apparently, Vicki going Cajun at her dinner party is “low rent”, but benevolent Heather would still like to invite her and the other women to a party of her own. It will be held at a painting studio because she doesn’t know them well enough to have them in her home just yet. Really? I don’t remember any of this being taught in the Buddhist religion.
We had back to Catalina where Tamra & Eddie finally come to the dinner table. After Eddie used up so much of his good buzz calming Tamra down, she still proceeds to have a meltdown of infantile proportions. She just can’t have her best friend and her boyfriend touching. She just can’t. This includes the oh-so-sexually charged act of a high-five. Have another cocktail Tamra. Then Tamra, now the arbiter of what’s appropriate, asks Brooks whether he’s a “tit man or an ass man”. And the pendulum swings. Can someone walk me through the World of Appropriateness According to Tamra? I’m so confused.
Back on the mainland, Gretchen has been asked to host a night at the Improv. Sounds good to her. Slade has also been asked to do a comedy routine that night. This sounds less good to her. Apparently, she doesn’t find him that funny because she is pretty convinced it’s going to be an epic fail. I think she’s probably not alone on that. I’m already embarrassed for him.
And as we head back to the OC from Catalina, we’re revisit “Boobgate 2012″, yet again. Why are we still talking about this? And why is Eddie apologizing? According to Tamra, these are the real life issues that happen when you move past the Honeymoon Phase of a relationship. Then again, according to Tamra, Eddie is her hot dog stand and she’s his taco stand. Pink taco stand. I think I may vomit.
Back home, Tamra meets Gretchen to go shopping for sex toys. Wait, they’re both wearing the same outfits they were wearing at their make-up lunch… Anyone else catch that? Clearly we’re on the same date, but pretending this is part two of Gretchen & Tamra Make A Friendship. We’re smarter than that Bravo. Well, for the most part. Hey now, we’re introduced to an apparatus that takes the hard work out of orally pleasing a man. Being that I’m an angel, this is not interesting to me personally, but you know, I have some girlfriends that might be interested. I’m just here to pass along information… Ahem. Where were we….
Ah yes, Heather’s painting party where she’s serving a carbless meal? Um, rice paper would be carbs and fruit dip would be carbs too, no? Champagne? But really, I don’t care because I embrace carbs like they’re my children. Life’s too short. Theses ladies might actually be a little happier if they ate a carb or two. But at least she’s actually serving food, unlike some other Housewives we know… not mentioning any names… Dana.
And we’re back to the love triangle between Alexis, Jim & Peggy. Are we still talking about this? Look, Alexis doesn’t want to be mad at her husband. She wants to be mad at Peggy. Peggy doesn’t want to be friends with Alexis but she doesn’t not want to be friends with Alexis. Stalemate. You’re not friends. Let’s move on. You’re boring me. And since Alexis gave up Peggy, she’s not happy to hear that Gretchen & Tamra are friends. She’s not trying to share Gretchen since Jim only lets her have one friend at a time.
Tamra shows up to the painting party feeling queasy, and another group of menopausal women start thinking one of them might be pregnant. Can’t it just be a stomach flu? Seriously? Vicki recoils from Tamra because she doesn’t do babies right now. Yeah, you can’t catch it from her. And BTW, she’s not pregnant.
The party gets started and Heather says she is opening a restaurant in an unknown location serving an undetermined kind of food that will not be returned 90% of the time. That is acceptable conversation. Tamra & Gretchen talking about sex toys is not acceptable conversation. These women have a lot of strange boundaries. They make less sense than voting districts. Come on, it’s girls’ night! Lighten up. If you can’t share with dirty talk with your girlfriends, who can you share with?
Well, we knew it was only a matter of time before the claws came out… Vicki isn’t happy with Tamra liking Gretchen’s hair & being so chummy with her. So Alexis & Vicki are going to pretend they’re BFFs so as to stay in the competition. Are they the most exhausting women ever? After they all paint their masterpieces, Gretchen & Tamra cop to having made up, which Alexis takes credit for making happen. Say what? She really is a few bananas short of a bunch. Do you really want that credit, Alexis You sure you want to be the one responsible for the wrath of Vicki? Uh, I think not. And it’s a-comin… When Tamra says she thinks Gretchen’s painting is the best, Vicki shoots her a look that I think is actually on the list of deadly weapons. Then she proceeds to leave without hugging Tamra. Oh no she did not! That means war!
Also on the hot seat? Heather’s husband. Seems he forgot his place, because he makes a few jokes that she finds to be not funny. Good thing she has all those acting classes in her arsenal because she was able to channel her anger and continue to be the gracious hostess. Apparently one doesn’t speak of bedroom follies nor does one let them see you sweat. Boy, I bet that man got an earful at home. Yikes.
Over in less tense homes, Gretchen tells Slade that she has been getting texts all day about Brooks being on the internet for being a deadbeat dad. (Click here for story.) Slade is ready to dance a jig because this is his vindication. All the smack talk from Vicki about him being a deadbeat dad is now about to get blown up in her face. Gretchen tries to temper his temper because she’s trying to mend fences. Um, good luck with that. Your man is about to fire the first shot and there is going to be shrapnel everywhere. Oh boy…
Bottom Line: Apparently, you can only have one friend in the OC without offending your other non-friend women that you hang out with.