One Sentence Summary: We are finally released from the pain that is Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor
What the hell happened this season?
Rachel: I’m already yawning and this hasn’t even started. There is no part of me that thinks this is actually going to be the most controversial finale in Bachelor history. Unless Juan Pablo asks them both to marry him, move to Utah and star in the Latin version of Sister Wives, I’m pretty sure we’ve seen it all before. There will be tears and heartbreak and really long, boring dates. That I am sure of. Controversy, however? To quote Juan Pablo, “Mmm.” But the upside to all of this is that we can finally free ourselves of this train wreck and move along to more important things, like watching Dancing With The Stars try every desperate move they can to salvage the show. I’m thinking finding an actual star to be on the show would have been a good first move. But we’re not here to discuss the American Idol of dancing shows. We’re here to discuss The Bachelor, the show that thinks 25 women fighting over a man is the recipe for true love. Let’s do it already. I’ve popped champers for the occasion.
I’ll Be Your Daddy
Daddy promises that you won’t have to look at that face ever again.
Rachel: It’s time for the girls to meet Juan Pablo’s family. Well, Nikki already met the family so it’s a re-meet for her. Oh my bad, it’s actually time for the live audience and Chris Harrison to waste my time with crap I don’t care about like what’s going to happen tonight & what also-rans are in the studio audience. Seriously dude, either find new things to talk about or let us just watch the show. We may be dumb enough to waste 3 solid hours of our life on this, but we are smart enough to figure out how this all works. Continue reading
One Sentence Summary: The all-out assault on Lisa continues, but she has decided not to participate.
Tell me this chick isn’t pleased with herself.
Rachel: So, I officially can hardly stand watching this show anymore. So happy we’re reaching the end. Honestly, I’d rather watch Juan Pablo and his smug lechery on The Bachelor than these idiots pretend to be decent human beings. We all know I have been and continue to be Team Vanderpump all the way. And after last week, I am leading the parade; especially if that parade includes torches and an angry mob that marches all the way to Brandi Glanville’s front door. I honestly don’t think I’ve truly disliked someone (that I didn’t date) this much. Ever. I think she is really the master manipulator and user here. Lisa served her purpose. Brandi has found her new bestie and she would rather flirt with Yolanda’s husband, David, than Ken now, so it’s time to move on and rid herself of her trash like she did with Adrienne. I’m just floored that everyone still takes Brandi at her word. It’s hard to believe a single thing that comes out of her mouth. I mean if Cedric is going to publicly defend Lisa and call out Brandi, you know she’s full of it. But Kyle is so desperate to be the Queen of the Housewives that she’ll follow the lead of anyone that she thinks can help her find the tiara. And then there’s Yolanda. This makes me the saddest of all. I really dug her last season and for the beginning of this season as well. But her self-righteous arrogance the last few weeks has been unbearable. How dare she confront Lisa about Brandi’s issues with her and then be mad when Lisa chooses not to speak to her about them. It’s none of your business, Yo. Oh, I’m so angry. These women are like spoiled children with nothing better to do than pick fights… mostly because they actually don’t have anything better to do. Bored rich women… and I’m officially bored. BRING ON NEW YORK!
Mauricio is not amused… he is always not rocking those sun glasses.
Rachel: It’s the morning after the Vanderpump sabotage and the girls are meeting for breakfast, minus Lisa, natch. Kyle thinks she’s owed an apology. For what? Kim thinks she owes Ken an apology, but doesn’t want to give it. That’s because Kim has yet to apologize for anything. Ever. Joyce thinks Lisa & Ken should have stayed at dinner to take more abuse. She thinks leaving makes her look guilty. No, it makes her look like an adult. You guys think screaming and carrying on in public, while you gang up on someone, is grown up behavior. I have news for you, it is not. It’s actually the opposite. What should have happened is Brandi should have sat down with Lisa and had a conversation. You know, like Lisa did with you, Joyce. And Kyle, Lisa said she didn’t tell Brandi to bring the mags. So confronting her in front of Brandi was for what purpose? To make yourself look like a victim, because you find some kind of power in that. You either accept her truth or you don’t.
One Sentence Summary: Juan Pablo’s magic doesn’t work in the Fantasy Suite for one woman.
Rachel: Sweet Fancy Moses on buttered toast, were those hometown dates boring or what? I could have written my post without having even watched the show. The previews pretty much told the whole story. Did anyone see the rose ceremony going a different way? I’m thinking no. Andi’s dad was worth the watch, I will say that. But the rest… The rest could be used as a torture device. And now I’m being told that tonight I will be shocked by what goes down in the Fantasy Suite. I’m telling you right now, abc, you better not disappoint me. I will do nothing but make veiled threats and bitch a lot if you do, but I would really appreciate it if you didn’t. OK, let’s do it.
As uncomfortable as this is for us viewers, I’m imagining the cameraman on the bottom of the boat has it worse.
Rachel: We’re back to deep thoughts in St. Lucia. I’d like to have some deep thoughts there. That’s ridiculously gorgeous. Juan Pablo is excited for the overnights, because he can talk about all the things he wants to talk about with no cameras. Yeah, that’s why you’re excited: talking. wink wink Continue reading
One Sentence Summary: Juan Pablo makes his way through four hometown dates without having one meaningful conversation.
The next bachelorette?
Rachel: And so begins night one of two long nights of Bachelor fun. I don’t even have any energy left to think about what is going to go down. They are promising the most shocking Fantasy Suite dates in Bachelor history. But considering that they say this every week, I’m feeling a little boy-that-cried-drama scenario here and think Chris Harrison should start dressing like a little shepherd boy. That actually might make this more entertaining. Too bad I think he’s over Juan Pablo also seeing as how he skipped out on the final rose announcement last week and made us count to one all by ourselves. Thankfully, I had one giant glass of wine with me. Sweet sweet comfort. Alright, let’s go.
Juan Pablo should be well acquainted with bull at this point.
Rachel: What??? No deep thoughts tonight? You’re just going to throw me in without a life vest? Fine. Be that way. My wine bottle floats so I don’t need no stinkin’ life vest. It seems I probably don’t need any more wine either, but that’s never stopped me. Where were we… Oh yeah, hometowns.
We start with Nikki in Kansas City and her literally running into Juan Pablo’s arms at his arrival. Maybe that’s why I’m still single. I have never run through a park to jump into my man’s arms after not seeing him for 2 days. Yeah yeah, tell it to a shrink. Nikki’s wondering if Juan Pablo has any cowboy in him, so she takes him for some BBQ. Damn, that looks tasty. He loves the BBQ and I love the midwestern folk in their non-ironic trucker hats suspiciously eyeing up the fer’ner. Continue reading