One Sentence Summary: There’s trouble brewing in the desert as the Housewives head to Palm Springs for Joyce’s weekend.
Rachel: Is it just me or are these women the craziest they’ve ever been? And I don’t mean Taylor drunk and forgetting her kid crazy. I mean totally bitchy and at each others throats crazy. It’s like being a teenager’s slumber party where all the girls are fighting over who gets to marry Justin Bieber. It’s all hot air about something that isn’t even relevant. I just want to drop into one of their crazy dinners and tell them to please put a cork in it. You know, like only a Winey Bitch can. Not that I think it will do any good, but I’d like to try. And as we head out to Palm Springs, on Joyce’s dime, I don’t expect it to get any better. Sigh…
It Takes Two
Remember when Brandi’s face wasn’t too frozen for a smile?
Rachel: It’s time for bubbles and celebrations as Brandi has been given a second book deal. WTF?!?! How does she have two books and I have zero books? Well, besides her having been part of a national scandal and being on TV… I’m sure my story is just as exciting. Or not. Anyway, she is now writing a sex advice book and we get to listen to her and her friends talk about nipple twisting and the two-finger trick. Now, I’m woman enough to admit that I didn’t know to what she was referring so I looked it up. At first I thought it was maybe the shocker, but that’s a three-finger trick. So, Google it is. Now I’m not positive, but if I can take the aggregate of the “two finger trick” search results – some of which has scarred me for life – it seems it’s a surefire way to hit the g-spot with a “come here” movement of the two fingers that are inside your lady. There you have it. You’re welcome.
And this concludes the sex eduction portion of tonight’s events. PS – I read a bunch of other blogs that didn’t bother exploring this subject. See, the Two Winey Bitches never let you down.
Posted in Housewives, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Tagged Beverly Hills, Brandi Glanville, Carlton Gebbia, Joyce Giraud de Ohoven, Kim Richards, Kyle Richards, Lisa Vanderpump, RHOBH, Wine, Yolanda Foster
One Sentence Summary – Lochnessa rears her ugly head.
Rachel: Man, they are really just ramming these Shahs down our throats aren’t they? What’s up with that. But the good news is that Reza showed signs of life last week. That makes me happy. Now, all is not forgiven. He has a long way to go, but I am hopeful that he’s making baby steps back to his old self. It’s the holiday season, so why not ask for a holiday miracle? Right? I mean if I can’t have one in real life, I’ll take one in reality life. It’s a trade-off I’m willing to make.
Lift & Separate
Can you make them look like a happy little handful?
Oh look, it’s MJ poured into yet another outfit with her tits on display. Does she have a mirror? Or is it one of those magical mirrors that tells you you look amazing no matter what’s going on? I need me one of those. Mine keeps telling me to go to the gym. Bitch. But today, MJ is at a dress maker’s shop asking to design her own bra. So you’re at a dressmaker? What am I missing? MJ needs a new apparatus to help restrain her giant breasts. And in case we didn’t know what that meant, we get a lesson in how exhausting it is for her to have to adjust her boobs. I believed you. I didn’t need the visual.
MJ and the poor sales lady go into the dressing room and start squeezing her into a corset-type situation. There must be something wrong though because MJ has, and I quote, the “tiniest waist” and this isn’t accentuating that. Just curious what tiniest is in comparison to. So, there’s that. MJ gets a new bra.
One Sentence Summary – Reza’s F-bomb mushroom cloud starts to leak its toxins on the group.
Rachel: Wait, how am I waking up on a Monday morning with a new Shahs of Sunset on my DVR? I’m supposed to have a break until Tuesday! I just was able to force myself through the last episode and now I’m being confronted with a whole new one? Oy vey. Well, alrighty then. Let’s do this thing. Maybe it will be a little fun since we have a Gay Pride Parade to attend. I feel like I should put on some assless chaps and leather panties to fully do Gay Pride some justice. TMI? Sorry, I’ve been to a few too many parades in my time and I just got caught up in the good times. Yes, good times indeed… And let’s say I’ve seen some stuff. Miley twerking at the MTV Awards. Bitch please, I saw that shit 5 years ago on Santa Monica Blvd upside down and against a wall. Bring on the floats!
What The F-Bomb?
Either that was some good stuff in the shisha or Reza has lost his damn mind.
It’s the morning after Reza’s blow-up and Mike is trying to piece together exactly what the hell happened, as are the rest of us. He meets up with his brother to try and make some sense of it all. Ah yes, the great f-bomb caper of 2013. However will it end? Mike also wonders how to tell Reza that he is no longer welcome on the Club Nur’s parade float. I think it should be pretty simple actually seeing as how he insulted the club owners and 99% of the people in the club. In fact, the de-invite (new world) should be implied.
Posted in Shahs Of Sunset
Tagged Asa Soltan Rahmati, GG, Golnesa Gharachedaghi, Lilly Ghalichi, Mercedes Javid, Mike Shouhed, MJ, Reality TV, Reza Farahan, shahs of sunset, Wine
One Sentence Summary - Reza jumps off the angry cliff into the abyss of crazy.
Hang on to your weaves, ladies, there’s a new gay Persian in town.
Rachel: Man, I just can’t make it happen for the Shahs this season. What I loved about this show when it started was how awesome Reza was and how interesting and down-to-earth Asa was. Not so much anymore. They have gone from being the brokers of love and peace to the popular kids that decide who gets to play and who doesn’t. And Heaven help you if you’re not invited to play because it’s a cold, lonely place to be. After watching MJ’s behavior at dinner and not one person stepping in when she told Lilly that none of the people at the table were her friends, I just totally lost the will to watch anymore. And we all know, I have a high tolerance for low class. I am hoping that Reza pulls a NeNe and recovers from the fame aneurism that is clearly making him act like a pompous ass. Yes, he still makes some funny quips – as did NeNe. Yes, he is still the center of the group – as was NeNe. But his arrogance is toxic – as was NeNe’s. So, maybe there’s still hope. As for Asa, meh. I’m not as invested, but I’d be happy to see her actually live by her mantra of spirituality. Come on, Asa, I know you can do it.
A Hairy Situation
No, seriously. There are two hairs missing right here.
Reza & Mike are at a hair restoration clinic. Really? Which one of them needs hair? Maybe they’re there to make a donation. Mike says it’s he who needs the hair, but I’m so confused as to exactly where this hair is going. I mean I guess there is a little spot on the hairline, but this seems extreme. Let’s see what the doctor says. Doc is with me and says that Mike is not a candidate for a hair transplant. There’s thinning but no balding. Seriously, the vanity is ridiculous. And while Mike is there voluntarily, it turns out it was at Reza’s suggestion so that he wouldn’t end up bald. Are we supposed to pretend that we don’t know that this is about Reza needing to feel power over Mike to make himself feel better? Oh, OK. Got it. Continue reading